The Art Of Gift Horse Punching With Mutants, Meatballs, and A Megan Fox AI Movie
I was eating meatballs.
My dad was there.
My brother was there.
They both said, oh, I should
get my prostate checked out.
Remind you I was eating meatballs.
Recently, they both had their own concerns and fears
of having to carry a bag of piss around
because the plumbing was all jammed up.
I said, don't worry.
My prostate has gotten plenty of exercise.
And before I go into home video headlines, I want
to let you know that this drink, it's red.
It's delicious.
The drink, not the apple.
Smile two dropped the poster and started
its marketing around Ray Nicholson, who inherited
Jack Nicholson's sinister and captivating grin.
People are probably grumbling that, like, oh, you
know, Rey must be a sucky actor if
he's in this cheap horror movie. Oh, no.
You know, there's some history here.
Jack was in schlocky horror movies, and, you know,
he's one actor that you can learn acting from.
So time will tell about his son Rey.
But, I mean, pretty good marketing employee for smile,
too, to be like, hey, Jack Nicholson's son wants
to do some acting, and he's got that killer
grin, that patented genuine Jack Nicholson style grin.
Hey, um, beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
They scared up, like, 100 million. Great.
Good for them, you know, good for a
studio that has already made ten times that.
However, my buddy's like, hey, you gonna go see it? No.
I tend to believe the reviews that are coming out.
I think they're accurate.
And from the footage I've seen, it's
kind of like a merchandise grab.
Plus, there's, like, this advertising blitz.
I don't know if you've seen all the
Beetlejuice, beetlejuice commercials with Beetlejuice in it.
And it's getting kind of annoying at this
point, so it's hard to, like, separate the
movie from the advertising at this point.
I did finally see Deadpool and Wolverine and blade.
To confirm my theory that blade is the best part, I
was at a five guys burger joint eating burgers, and I
was asked about my review of it from my nephew.
And granted, now, mind you, part of this
is, like, his parents bought me the ticket.
They also bought me the burger. So I'm sitting there.
I had to take a pause.
I'm eating a french fry to give myself time to
think of, like, what's the most, like, gentle or peaceful
or non confrontational answer, but still do a genuine review,
because I was thinking, like, oh, I'm about to punch
a gift horse in the mouth.
And then I punched a gift horse in the mouth.
I was like, yeah, I give it a bad review.
Mostly because, you know, the stakes don't seem,
seem very real in that movie, right.
Even though it's like, oh, we're
gonna blow up these dimensions.
These worlds are gonna cease to exist.
We don't ever feel like they're gonna cease to exist.
Right. It doesn't seem real.
It seems kind of just flimsy fantasy.
And then the villain is not compelling.
I mean, I think I had said, well,
try not to upset the gift givers.
And then, you know, and maybe impart
the wrong impression on my nephew.
Impressionable minds.
Right, form their own opinions.
However, I was like, you know, Marvel has great heroes,
but DC has great villains, and they've, and both brands
have kind of suffered from their failure in, like, you
know, the villains over here aren't that great and the
heroes over here aren't that great.
Maybe swap them around. I don't know.
Yeah, but, you know, love me some blade.
That's the, that's the takeaway there.
That's the lesson learned there is.
We like blade.
All right, trivia time.
In tonight's movie, what are we doing?
This is the first of three weird plucks from cinema.
We're doing like a weird September thing.
The first one is damnation Alleyde.
The world has been knocked off
axis into world War three.
The earth is in chaos.
A group of survivors, they got across
the desert in an armored rv.
While they handle or deal with, you
know, freak storms, there's mutated killer insects.
The actual, the landmaster is real.
They had a custom wheel configuration built.
The vehicle costs three hundred thousand,
three hundred k to make. Right.
It was powered by a Ford engine.
It actually survived a 25 foot drop during testing.
And it now rests at Gene
Winfield's custom shop in Mojave, California.
But word on the street is it no longer has a
missile launcher or its gatling guns or any of its armaments
or whatever are no longer on the rV, supposedly.
Fox Studios assumed that this movie was going to
be the box office year thing, and they spent
all their marketing money on this instead of the
original Star wars, which is funny because it flopped.
And then Star wars, of course,
soared, as we know now, right?
Jan Michael Vincent Hawke himself from
Airwolf is in this movie.
And you're like, well, who's Jan Michael Vincent?
Johnny Spoiler.
Can you spoil who Jen Michael Vincent was?
No, I can tell you to go watch the show Airwolf.
Go dig that classic up, or there's a whole
Rick and Morty episode that explains the greatness of
Jan Michael Vincent in an entire episode.
Dig that up.
The movie also has Jackie Earl Haley, who you
might know from the watchman movie as Rorschach.
And it was also in the original
bad news bears, like the seventies movies.
So this is one of his early movies.
Not his first, not his earliest,
but one of his early performances.
And it's got Paul Winfield, who I think
played one of the detectives in the terminator.
I think he was at the police station sequence.
And then he's the general in Mars attacks.
Those are the only movies that I know him from.
But again, he's one of those actors.
He's been around the blocks a few times.
He's got like a 40 year career or something.
He gets at the worst in this damnation movie.
He has the worst death and damnation.
Alleydehenkhe of the characters in Damnation
Alley, he gets the worst death.
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All right, now back to our
favorite bits from Damnation Alleydehenkhe.
You know, it's interesting.
Like, the war room in the beginning of the
movie is calculating that the enemy nukes got launched.
And then, oh, no, we've only managed
to block 40% of the nukes.
So 60% of the nukes hit the US.
And then Boston is the first strike.
Don't tell anyone, but I record this somewhere
outside of Boston, so I thought that was
really funny, kind of a local joke.
I was like, ah, they got Boston first.
They nuked Beantown.
There's amazing visuals of the
nuclear cloud over North America.
And then of all the things
that survived the nuclear holocaust.
Circus circus in Las Vegas survives, and they visit it.
And that's where they find one of the survivors who
they think is, like, the only female character in the
movie until, spoiler alert, they find a colony.
Well, they're driving to Albany, New York, because
somebody's radio broadcasting from Albany, that there's people
there, but we don't know that yet.
We have to get there and find out.
There's flesh eating cockroaches.
Also, one of my favorite bits of came out of nowhere.
Love it.
But at 53 minutes and 12 seconds in,
the coolest cat in the movie dies.
And that's uncorrectable for the
next hour of the movie. Right?
And it's because of those damn cockroaches.
And it's horrible and it's graphic. Anyway, it's cool.
I mean.
I mean, it's like, if you're looking for some suspenseful
thing to happen in this movie, and that's it.
And there it is.
And there you go.
There's also hillbilly mutants that's
one thing you're looking for.
And these apocalypse movies about survivors, right, that are
like, you know, cruising around in a nuclear wasteland
is you're like, where's the hillbilly mutants that we
know are gonna be here either trying to eat
us, rape us, or do both.
Like, where are they?
And of course they got some hillbilly mutants.
It's a stereotype.
Whatever it's in this genre, you gotta have it, right?
How do we rate this movie?
Well, on this show, we have our
own special thing that we do.
Binge now, watch it now, binge later, get around to it.
Still worth a while.
Still worth watching it, you know, but it doesn't
have to be the top of your playlist.
Binge never speaks for itself. Don't watch this.
Can't your life back.
You wasted 2 hours of your time.
Well, first of all, we got to deal
with the slow pacing, killing the wrong character
too early, and Jan Michael Vincent not being
totally Jan Michael Vincent in this movie.
So I'm gonna have to say binge later, baby. Binge later.
Fanservice.
If the fans are speaking up,
what are they jammering on about?
On the last episode, we told a story about how I was
eating a can of tuna and had heard about an urban legend
that, you know, supposedly a worker at a cannery fell into a
vat of tuna and got mixed up in the cans that then
went out for distribution again, urban legend stuff.
However, Marco, 666 JF seven, chimes in and
says he loves eating tuna right out of
the can, but his wife hates it.
But he thinks he'd be able to tell
if he was eating a person mixed in. No, dude.
No, Marco, you wouldn't be able to tell.
It's all pink meat, brother.
And when it's boiled and shoved into
a can, how could you possibly tell?
So if you enjoy eating tuna,
you'll still enjoy eating tuna.
You just don't know what tuna you're eating.
And in fact, there's a famous favorite sub sandwich
franchise chain whose tuna can't be labeled as tuna.
So what's in their sandwiches?
Question mark, question mark, question mark,
question mark, question mark, question mark.
Let that just ping off into eternity.
Staff picks.
If I can recommend a movie of the
week, because you're never gonna discover damnation alley.
It's not up your alley.
It's not something you want to watch.
You're never gonna do it.
I've wasted 20 minutes of your time talking about it.
Anyway, what else can I recommend?
The subservience people who made this subservience
movie, they wanted us to review it.
That's Megan Fox playing Megan.
You remember Megan with the Android who gets obsessed
with the family, then wants to kill the family,
and she's supposed to be like the daughter's ultimate
companion, and she's like, AI, blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, Megan Fox is playing Megan in this one.
And if you like Megan Fox, you're like, oh, man,
she better be having sex as an Android servant.
That's the reason you're tuning in?
Yeah, that's exactly the reason I tuned in.
Like, I want to see Megan Fox have sex as an Android.
However, even though we can check off the list. Yeah.
Horny Android included for Megan Fox doing her thing, she
doesn't do much else than be the horny Android.
And usually she's really funny and sassy, like
if you watch her in Jennifer boddy.
So you want that.
But, you know, robots or whatever
are supposed to be cold.
So the AI stereotype that they're doing these
days with these movies, that the robots.
Robots, that the robots are the androids or the AI
units, AI companions or whatever are cold as ice, baby.
And so actually, in this movie, the
robot sex is not that great.
The sex scenes with the
cancer wife are actually better.
That's right, the sick wife.
The sick wife is heating everything up,
and she's this actress named Madeline Zima.
So take a look at that.
And that's review of subservience.
You want, you want it on the
scale, binge now, binge later, binge never.
It teeters somewhere between binge
later and binge never.
But I'm sure the press is gonna run wild.
I'm sure there's gonna be a bunch of
blog articles, like, you know, praising this movie.
I mean, it's just Megan with Megan Fox.
And then, and then the adult theme, like,
is the dad gonna screw the robot?
If they hadn't delivered that,
like, our expectation of that?
I mean, well, they say, like, if you have expectations,
you could turn them on their head and give us
something different, that's fine, but we want the expectation.
And then the twisted.
The movie delivers the expectation,
then kind of falls short.
But then it has this other thing where, yeah, the
wife's sick, but she's still hot, and she's like, and
I still want to enjoy all that life offers.
So if you got a, if you got one of
those sick medical fetishes or you just want to be
titillated in a movie that promises Android titillation and you
don't get it delivered fully, then, you know, I guess
it could be a binge now for you, but it's
teetering between binge later and binge never for me.
And I'm.
I just want to make jokes about robot sex.
Okay, so what's going on down the road?
Okay, well, you know, we've arrived at that point.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
You can rewind me, you can play me again.
You can subscribe for more talk about robot sex.
You can sub up for more robot sex talk.
And actually stay tuned for the car,
which I think came out in 77.
Josh Brolin's dad, whose name I believe is James.
Anyway, Josh Brolin's dad is gonna fight a car.
A vehicle that's cruising around doing
vehicular manslaughter or vehicular homicide.
One of them possessed car movies.
We'll find out why the car has such
a grudge against humanity in that one.
So let's go.
